After months of vacillating between euphoric highs and devastating lows, it seems that for now I have settled into the realm of emotional inbetween. Whenever this...ennui occurs, however rare it may be, I am forced to wonder if this is where most people are during the majority of their lives. The only time I can clearly recall feeling this stasis is when my doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant and mood balancer combination. It was the same soul-dead sensation. Or lack of sensation, I suppose. My doctor said this was what normal people felt like, and I just needed to get used to it; it would be fine eventually. I remember thinking 'What a horrible life, to feel like this all of the time'. I had preferred to feel the complete devastation my depression often afforded me than walk around in what felt like a fugue. Or in a slightly more rare manic state, everything around me seems to be incredibly interesting. Beautiful and wonderful, colours are more vibrant, music sounds richer...it's hard to describe it to someone who has never experienced it.
But this feeling of numbness...I almost can't bear it. It's tedious, but...it's more than that as well. It can be exhausting, and I haven't even done anything to exert myself.
I suppose I'm just tired. I'm tired of 'waiting for things to fall into place'. I'm so tired of my life, or feeling like my life is, being dictated by those around me. At the same time, I'm still ultimately responsible because I let my life be dictated to me. I'm not blind to my faults, or my responsibility, but I suppose I'm so used to conceding to others' wishes that it's second nature to me. I'm also tired of being treated like I'm expendable. I'm not important, but, damn it, I'm not worthless either. I'm tired of treating people how I'd like to be treated and not have that same courtesy extended to me.
The course of events that have happened over the last few months have just gone to show me that so very few people can be trusted. Even those you love cannot be fully trusted. I was naive to think I could. I was naive about a lot of things, and that's my own cross to bear.
In any case, I suspect I will learn something tonight that will decide my next course of action. I have a feeling as to what that needs to be, though.
Love and passion are painful, cruel things. We would be at peace if we did not have them. At this point, that is all I want; Peace.
