Another Note

To Whom it May Concern,

I'm so wounded right now. I can't really describe exactly what it is that I'm feeling, except that it makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up. Right now, I'm even writing this up as I lay in bed. 

The only way I can explain it is by telling you of this overwhelming exhaustion I have. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of caring. Caring has only ever led me to excruciating pain. But, that doesn't seem to bother you. Somehow, my feelings are irrelevant, as long as you are not inconvenienced, or have to suffer in anyway. And I suppose that's fine. I don't want you to suffer. But I don't want to hurt anymore either. Everything I've done lately has been to help you. And I don't see that being reciprocated. 

I don't think...

I'm not even sure how to finish that sentence...I'm so pathetic right now. You seem to think I'm this...hard person, who's tough as nails. But I'm not. I can only take so much before I completely fall apart. And I won't allow myself to fall apart. Not again. Not when it took so much to put me back together after the first time. 

You say you don't want to become like those other people who have hurt me in the past, but I feel you are fast becoming one of them. One of those monsters from my nightmares...those faceless phantoms from memories long forgotten and suppressed. 

It's so hard to pretend that everything is alright, and to try and smile around you. I dislike others knowing how sensitive I am...how easily injured I am. 

And though I say all of these things, I still enjoy the time we spend together. It's a bittersweet ache, knowing I don't mean as much to you as you do to me. But this seems to be my lot in life, as apparently this is a pattern that will be repeated with me. I feel as if I always care more than the other person, but it's exhausting after awhile. I will still be here, of course, as I promised. And I do enjoy keeping promises. Which is yet another things that seems to be disregarded when it comes to me. After all this time, one thing I've learned about promises made to me, is that they are easily broken.

As is my trust.

With Love and Sincerity,

Marcella

Lesson Learned

I'm so tired of this...

All I can think is that I must have been a horrible person in a past life to have to deal with some of this stuff that's going on. I'm so tired of my feelings being tossed aside, or trampled on in this case. I'm so hurting so much right now, I don't want to deal with anything anymore.  I'm so sick of opening up to someone, only to be casually disregarded. I never thought my 'strength' would be such a detriment, but what was I to do? Stay the way I was, and be abused?

Lately, I've learned that, no matter what, you cannot trust anyone. This is a lesson I feel I've finally learned in it's entirety. Things will never be the same, and I hope this person knows that. There are consequences to our actions, and the consequences to this person's action may have resulted in the loss of a friendship.

I lose everyone, so I don't understand why this is so hard for me. Maybe because I thought things would be different this time. I suppose I was wrong.

No, there's no 'supposing' about it.

I was extraordinarily wrong, even for me.

I don't understand what's so wrong with me. Why don't people stick around with me? I try to be considerate, I care (sometimes too much), I just...I just don't know.

I don't know anymore.

Don't bother with this, I'm just rambling. I'm too upset to come up with much of anything coherent.