{[Contemplation]}

It's a little crazy that this is my first blog here, especially since I made this account a while ago, in a moment of boredom. Apparently, when there's nothing else for me to do, I make accounts to places I rarely go. Damn impulsiveness.

With everything that's going on right now, though, I've really had to take a deeper look at a lot of things. My living situation, my personal life, (which I suppose my living situation could be lumped under that category as well), school, work...everything. Choices that I'm making, that I've made, or possibly should have made. It's hard for me to write pieces like this. I'm very good at just skimming the surface to some of these issues, but it's difficult for me to really plunge right on in. It's very invasive, and most people that have known me for a long time, know how hard it is for me to feel...well...invaded.

I value privacy immensely. Not just my own, but others' as well. And I react very badly to when my privacy has been invaded, or in some other way has been disregarded, with no thought to my feelings or thoughts on the matter. I do not do this (or try not to do this) to other people, and would appreciate if they showed me the same courtesy as I show them. There are probably few things that you could do to really turn me against you, but treating my privacy and personal space with a blatant lack of respect would be the one way to really alienate me.

That kind of brings me to my other point: Respect. I treat others with respect and expect the same to be done to me. However, I'm learning that this is not necessarily the case in most circumstances. I try to be extremely courteous, and diplomatic, because I do not feel that it is alright to talk to anyone anyway you please, even if they've angered you. And for this, I'm called wishy-washy, two-faced, and anything else that comes to mind. I apologize that my having manners apparently offends some people. But I find that it offends those that seem to have no manners at all, and treat others as if they are some how subservient to them. Some people tell me that they don't know where they stand with me, which takes me completely off guard, I suppose. No, I won't be blatantly rude if I don't like you, as I find that rather abhorrent, but I do not go out of my way to make you feel comfortable. Those who are my friends, know they are my friends. It's your own short coming if you can't tell the difference between civillity and friendliness, not mine.

As for things that I'm personally responsible for, I feel I may do to much for others, I consider their feelings too much. I allow myself to do things I wouldn't normally do, just to make someone happy because I'm so pathetic that I do not wish to lose friends. A dangerous habit, I think. It's something I find myself criticizing in others, but tend to turn a blind eye towards that flaw in myself. I need to stop doing this. If I say 'no' about something because I truly do not wish to proceed, and whoever my 'friend' is can't accept then, then I need to realize they aren't my friend. A cliche, perhaps, but something I have found to be true. This is not to say I will say 'no' to everything that someone asks me, but rather, I won't be afraid to say 'no'.

I need to make more of an effort with people I've been close to my whole life, or at least, for a large part of my life. I'm afraid that I'm letting certain people slip away because I'm distracted by my living situation, new people, and yes, some of these things are very exciting. I'm experiencing things that I haven't been exposed to. I mean, I grew up in private school, then I homeschooled, then I moved out to the middle of nowhere in the forest. I am very sheltered, with some small (large) hiccups along the way. The world of normal people is...mind boggling for me. I'm learning how people react to each other, and that not everyone has a very good moral compass, I suppose. While my background has given me an academic edge, it hasn't prepared me for the shock of moving back to a major city. I'm adapting well, I think, but I don't wish to become someone I'm not because of convenience.

I hope I'm not coming across as sanctimonious, (although I'm sure some will think I am), but these are thoughts that have been floating around in my head for awhile. I have very little time to really think about things, let alone write them down anymore. I miss the quiet from my home in the woods. I don't think I'll ever have another place like that...at least, not quite yet anyway.

And here I need to stop. If I continue on, I'll broach many subjects I'm not yet comfortable enough to write about...I may never be. But, I'll quit talking your ear off for now. Maybe I'll update again, and more frequently.

Marcella